Chapter Text
The same day that Hana sent her baby brother and the adorable pink menace that she’d taken under her wing off to brave the chunin exams, she was called back into duty.
Standing stiffly at the attention of the Hokage, Hana frowned minutely as she caught the slightest hint of a familiar scent. Sure enough, her nose was proven correct as a familiar form neatly leaped through the window before bowing in front of the Hokage.
Seeing Hyuuga Tazu again, even after the scant weeks since she had seen her last, was just as much of a gut-punch as it had been the first time that Hana had seen her, really and truly seen her, albeit for different reasons. They had been genin teammates, and Hana hadn’t ever spared her much thought until the day that she’d managed to rip her forehead bindings off from her head in a spar, and that day Hana went home with a broken nose. If Tazu hadn’t broken her nose, her Ma sure as hell would’ve when she explained what happened, and Tsume sat her down that day and explained in great detail what the Caged Bird Seal was, and why Hana was to never, ever, prevent her teammate from exercising what little dignity she had left.
Hana returned the next day with a groveling, sincere, apology, but the iciness didn’t quite leave Tazu’s eyes for days afterwards. It took her weeks after that to see her smile, and months still to hear her laugh. That was the day that Hana realized that she was well and truly f*cked, because no Inuzuka could ever mistake that tug in their chest for anything except for what it was.
Much to the pain of their long-suffering jounin-sensei, and their teammate (a willowy Shiranui who was also sick of their sh*t) Hana’s little crush followed them throughout their genin careers. Shortly after their promotion to chunin, following Hana’s sixteenth birthday, with too much sake in their bloodstream and too much recklessness to burn it out of their systems, their lingering glances turned into a kiss, which turned into another, which turned into-
The facts were this.
Hana was the Inuzuka heir, and Tazu was a branch member of the Hyuuga. It wasn’t that her mother or any of the clan elders would have objected to Tazu, far from it in fact. The Inuzuka were a clan, yes, but before that they were pack. And yes, while the elders weren’t always easy to deal with, while there had been arranged marriages before, while sometimes the pack had to be put above the individual, this was not one of those times. The Inuzuka were an old clan, they had seen their share of war, and they would never deny their pups the chance to love freely while they were at peace. After Tsume walked in on her daughter crying over the Hyuuga girl she was in love with one too many times, she almost took the issue to the Hyuuga clan head herself. The only thing actually stopping her was that she knew that if she did, the poor girl would be the one to take the brunt of the punishment and her influence was not enough to divert the Hyuuga from their slave-seal.
So she turned her attention to other things, when her daughter and her “friend” spent long hours in Hana’s room, talking or otherwise. Tazu became a permanent fixture in their home, silently slipping in some evenings to curl up blankly with the ninken, not saying a word, and Tsume always made sure to ruffle her hair or pull her into a crushing side hug without a word, and Hana could pretend that everything was good and fine and that this was enough.
It wasn’t enough.
The day that Hana said goodbye for good, the last time that she had spoken to her in a way that mattered, it was meant to be temporary. It was said casually, as a “see you tomorrow,” and it burned a hole into Hana’s heart because what she had meant to say was something more along the lines of “I love you, please let me hold you one last time,” or “I forgive you for leaving but I don’t think I’ll forgive myself for letting you,” or “I’m sorry I failed you,” or “I need you to be happy, please, please promise me that much?” but she hadn’t said any of those things, she’d been so stupid so naïve.
The next time she saw Tazu, her beloved, her best friend, her pack, was weeks later, a chance sighting at the market, and if it had not been for Tsume, for her strong, wonderful, mother’s ability to be so cruel to protect the daughter she loved, she would have already been at her side, been begging her to look at her, to speak, to acknowledge she was there. But Tsume held her in an iron grip and dragged her daughter home, knowing that more than anything Hana would hate herself if she let Tazu get hurt again because of her, because even from across the market, seeing only flashes of her behind a sea of people, Tsume could see how her hands shook, how she met nobody’s eyes, the sickly-sour scent of fear and pain.
Hana never got a chance to say goodbye, not in any way that mattered. Oh, she had seen her again, had even been sent on missions with her, the former Team Thirteen’s tracking and capture abilities having been proven time and time again, but Tazu never did look at her again. Not really.
So. Tracking and counter-espionage. Straightforward enough, really, between the two of them and the Haimaru brothers. Rifle through the info they had on Oto, cross reference what Konoha knew with the paperwork submitted by Sound, ensure everything was in order, and gather information on suspicious subjects at their discretion.
The issue with simple was that it didn’t necessarily mean easy, because midway into their mission, Hana smelled a snake. She wouldn’t have thought anything of it initially, just doing routine surveillance on their esteemed guests from Sound, a genin, Konoha from the looks of him, being elbowed roughly by a passing-by Sound nin. Hana noted the interaction but didn’t intervene, scuffles were common when this many foreign nin were gathered but this was nothing.
What was interesting was when it happened again, same Konoha genin, different Sound nin, and yet the interaction didn’t escalate still didn’t escalate, contrary to what they’d heard about Oto. Flaring her chakra minutely in a way that only the Byakugan would detect, Hana signaled to Tazu to note the genin’s chakra signature to cross reference later, and ever the professional, Tazu’s chakra twitched back in acknowledgement.
The issue with counter-espionage is that there’s too much paperwork involved, Hana thought, as she hunched over yet another information release form. All she had to do was dig up Yakushi Kabuto’s file, and then either kick his ass directly into T&I or send him on his merry way none the wiser that he’d been suspected of betrayal. Hana really, really hoped it was the latter, because if she had to spend another minute in the cramped archives room with Tazu’s maddening scent all around her, she was going to go insane. Foaming at the mouth, snarling at anything that moved, clawing up furniture, etcetera, type of insane.
Of course, because every Kami there was above hated her, that was not what happened. What happened was that the Academy class that Yakushi Kabuto claimed to have graduated from was the same one that she and Tazu had been in. The same class that Hana had no recollection of him ever being in. So, at 2am, two days into being back on duty, the day after her little brother had gotten home from the Forest of Death, Hana was climbing through a window into a stranger’s apartment on the tail of her ex-girlfriend (were they ever girlfriends? Did they ever officially even date? Was she allowed to call Tazu an ex if they hadn’t ever officially dated?) in order to kidnap a genin suspected of treason.
Hana’s luck did not get better from there, because approximately thirty seconds into what was meant to be an easy B-rank, three things made themselves very clear. Firstly, Yakushi Kabuto was absolutely a f*cking traitor. Secondly, that man was not by any means a genin if the sheer number of traps going off right now were any indication. Lastly, Tazu had not gotten any less devastatingly attractive when she fought, which was just unfair, honestly, because here Hana was trying to make an honest living and Tazu was distracting her like this. Unfair.
Luckily (or unluckily) Hana’s pining was cut short when the traitor himself appeared, and it took every trick in her book to keep herself from getting shot up with whatever nasty-ass poison he’d dipped those senbon in as she threw herself wholeheartedly into the fight.
ANBU didn’t arrive nearly fast enough in Hana’s opinion, because by the time they did, she was scratched up to hell and back from the remaining ninja wire from the traps, all three of her ninken were missing chunks of fur, and Tazu was turning a very concerning shade of white. As they dealt with the madman currently trying to make a run for it, Hana shouldered her way past the ANBU who was unhelpfully standing in her way to drop to her knees next to Tazu’s prone form.
“Move, ANBU-san, I’m a medic. Oh you idiot,” she half-snarled half-sobbed, “Stay real still, this is going to hurt.”
Hana wasn’t a medic in the regular sense, but she knew a hell of a lot more than the average shinobi bothered to learn. She could patch wounds on a surface level, remove shrapnel from wounds, and handle basic poisons using her chakra, alongside her extensively stocked med kit, which was what she reached for now. Whatever the hell this was, it was more than she could even begin to try to fix, so she had to slow it before they could get her to the hospital. Pulling a syringe out from her kit, she sent up a short prayer to whatever gods might be listening, as unhelpful as they’d been recently, and stabbed the needle directly into Tazu’s heart.
One of the Haimaru brothers whimpered behind her, and she would have made a similar noise if her ear wasn’t pressed up against Tazu’s chest, waiting for her heartbeat to slow. As it did, she slowly let out a measured breath.
“Anbu-san, can you take her to the hospital? I’ve stabilized her enough for the poison to slow but she needs treatment now or she’s going to die.”
With a short nod, the ANBU scooped her up, her body limp like a puppet with its strings cut, and they began their mad dash to the hospital.
When Tazu woke up, Hana was on her feet in an instant.
“Hey, hey, I’m here. You got poisoned by something real nasty and the mission got upgraded to an A-rank but we handled it, the traitor’s been apprehended and-”
Tazu looked at her, actually looked at her, and Hana’s mouth snapped shut and her heart stopped.
“You can’t stay,” She said, her voice raspy and exhausted, and Hana wanted to scream, wanted to throw something, wanted to cry and beg for her to let her stay, anything because-
“But I want you to. Just for a little?”
Hana fell to her knees, gently holding Tazu’s hand to her forehead as she kneeled next to her hospital bed. This was delaying the inevitable, if Hiashi found out Tazu’d be the one to pay for it and Hana knew she was being selfish, but for now, it was just the two of them in the sh*tty flickering hospital lights.
“Yeah. Yeah, I’ll stay.”
When Hana got back home the sun was high in the sky, and she wanted nothing more than to curl up in her bed and cry for maybe three years. Maybe sleep if she was feeling adventurous afterwards. Wake up and maybe follow it up with some more crying. The raucous sounds of her mom and brother inside, usually so comforting and familiar, did nothing more than to increase her irritation, feeling every cell in her body on edge as she entered the house and was immediately bombarded with noise.
“Hey, Hana! Damn you look like sh*t. Did you hear about the prelims? Shino’s going to the finals, but Hinata and I lost. Neji’s such an asshole, she’s still in the hospital. How the hell did someone like him end up related to Tazu and Hinata I’ll never know.” Kiba chattered on and hearing the Hyuuga Main Branch member’s name made her shut the rest of it out, trying desperately to escape this conversation.
“Good for him.” She said archly, and tried pushing past Kiba, only to be blocked again by her annoying younger brother.
“What’s your deal, huh?! My teammate’s in the hospital because of that bastard!”
Hana had never told him what happened between her and Tazu, and Kiba was still in the dark about the Caged Bird Seal. He was a naïve kid, and for all that she had her own grudges against the Hyuuga Main Family, Kiba was only trying to defend his teammate. This was what she repeated to herself as she tried desperately to hold onto the last strands of sanity she had left before she lost it, but Kiba just kept pushing, quick to defend his friend, which would be admirable in any scenario which wasn’t this one.
“You’ve never liked Hinata, but she’s never done anything! What’s up with you, you even like Sakura but not her? You’re acting like a total bi-“
Their mother’s interference was the only thing that was between Kiba and a shallow grave, as Hana’s lunge was blocked by Kuromaru, while Tsume locked Kiba into an inescapable headlock.
“I’LL f*ckING SHOW YOU ACTING LIKE A BITCH YOU IGNORANT LITTLE-“
“Pups.” Tsume snarled “Rooms. Now. Hana, I’ll excuse this just this once. Kiba. We’re going to have a talk.”
Hana didn’t go to her room. Instead, she found herself at one of the Inuzuka training grounds, and spent the next three hours tearing it apart, before she finally collapsed, exhausted, with tears streaking down her face. The Haimaru brothers nosed their way to where she was crumpled, and she cried herself dry, and then some, before her exhaustion fully took root. Tsume found her little girl like that, asleep curled up underneath her dogs, and scooped her up and took her home, silently cursing the Hyuuga clan with every step.
Sakura got cleared to leave soon after waking up. She’d only been there overnight for observation, as she wasn’t particularly high risk, but she felt like a brand-new person, her body refreshed and free from aches for the first time in four days. From Ino’s fussing, Sakura might as well have returned from triage, but she managed to convince Ino to go home and sleep in her own bed as she made her way through the pile of release forms (Hana’s training having prepared her well)
Glancing into the room adjacent to hers on her way out, she saw Hinata, sleeping peacefully in a hospital bed, still looking roughed up but clearly on her way to a full recovery. She made a note to tell Kiba later if she ran into him, knowing that he’d be worried for his teammate.
Her trip out of the hospital was otherwise unremarkable, and she made her way home on autopilot, the path long since burned into her body. It wasn’t until she was slipping off her sandals and stepping into the empty apartment that the prickling feeling just underneath her skin made itself known.
She didn’t know what it was, precisely, but the familiarity of her home suddenly seemed oppressive, and as she sat hunched over on the cold wood of the kitchen that she had grown up in, in the small apartment that her tou-san had fought tooth and nail to turn into a home, she realized with a panicked hysteria that she had forgotten how to breathe.
She didn’t know how long she sat there, but it was long enough for her muscles to protest as she slowly uncurled and wobbled her way back to the front door, wrenching it open and running out without even bothering to lock it behind her. She ran and ran, and in the scorching heat of the late afternoon, she found herself on the bridge that her team usually met at. She didn’t know what she was looking for. Familiarity? Safety? Comfort?
It didn’t matter. What mattered was- Sakura, this Sakura, the one who had blood staining her hands, this one still fit here. Her childhood home, the Sakura that grew up there was dead and she was replaced by some horrible imposter that had found her way out of the Forest of Death, and she couldn’t taint her home, her father, with her presence. Not when things were just getting better for them, not when he had so much hope in his eyes as he’d packed for his trip just a week prior. Had that just been a week ago?
She felt like she’d aged a hundred years, she felt like a child searching for comfort, crying for her father, for someone, anyone, to tell her what to do here, to be able to tell her how she was supposed to feel and act after having killed three entire people.
Wave had prepared her for the idea of being killed. It did not prepare her to kill.
And the worst part was, she would do it again. Again and again, if it meant that the blood staining her hands wasn’t Sasuke’s, or Naruto’s, or Ino’s, or the Twins. And yet, the civilian part of her, the part of her that was raised amongst people so accustomed to the act of murder being reprehensible, that part of her, it was angry. It was angry that the villages fought, it was angry that they lived in a world where shinobi were even necessary, it was angry that the people she loved had chosen a path where she was forced to follow them in order to keep them safe.
When Sakura had become a shinobi, she had done it out of love for her father. She wanted to be strong enough to support them both, strong enough that the money she made would keep them happy and safe, but now…. The stakes had been raised, higher than she ever would have thought. So why was it up to her, even as all she had wanted originally was a simple life.
“Sakura.” She whirled, not having heard anyone approach.
“Kakashi-sensei,” she breathed, voice still choked, just a bit, but mostly full of relief. Her sensei looked the same as ever, his tall frame slouched and his visible eye crinkled into an unconvincing smile. He made his way over the bridge, to where she was standing at its peak, and leaned out over the bridge as she was, looking out into the water below, his chin propped up by his hands.
“We don’t have training today, although I appreciate your enthusiasm. Also, even if we did, you’d be about,” he looked up at the sun, slowly making its way back down the sky, “six hours late or so.”
Sakura was silent for a while, trying to think of a way to phrase her words that would make sense. “I got out of the hospital today. They released me after I woke up. I went home… but it felt wrong. I didn’t fit.”
Kakashi-sensei looked over at her appraisingly, noting the shakiness of her hands, the way she hunched over herself protectively, the wild look in her eyes.
“You know, Sakura, first kills are hard for everyone. But you did what you had to do, and If you hadn’t Sasuke and Naruto wouldn’t be alive right now.”
Sakura looked up at her sensei, her eyes rapidly filling with tears that she fruitlessly tried to wipe away, her lower lip quivering.
“I-I know. I’d do it again. It’s just. I don’t know. I felt fine through the preliminaries and now I can’t- I can’t.” Sakura stopped there, her voice growing too unsteady as the tears flowed freely down her face.
Kakashi-sensei made an aborted move to place his hand on her head, but seeing her violent flinch, slowly, making sure that she could easily wiggle out of it if need be, he wrapped her into an awkward hug, making low soothing noises that worked well on dogs, and human children were close enough to puppies anyways right? As she got herself under control again, Kakashi began talking again.
“I’m sorry that you three have had such a burden put on you, this never should have happened to genin of your level. If I had it my way, I would have none of you ever kill. It’s cruel and its unfair, but Sakura, when you fight as a shinobi of Konoha, you are not just a protector of your fellow shinobi, but of the people of Fire country.”
Sakura opened her mouth, but Kakashi cut her off.
“Listen, my sensei told me this when I was very young, and it’s stuck with me since. You’re smart, you can see beyond the propaganda, and you know that Konoha is no more moral or good than any other shinobi village. But did you know, that for every shinobi, there are roughly 3,000 civilians? Our conflicts determine the fate of entire countries, and yet beyond a handful of exceptions, they touch relatively little of the people outside of them. I won’t pretend that this is fair, or easy but I will say this, no matter what you as a shinobi are forced to do to protect your team, I believe that you have the capability to do so much more good than harm.”
Sakura buried her face into her sensei’s flak jacket, as silent tears continued falling down her face. She didn’t know how long it was, but eventually, they stopped, and she detangled herself from Kakashi-sensei, and grimaced at the large wet spot on his jacket. Not trusting herself to speak, she just offered him a wobbly smile.
“Will you be alright on your own, or would you like me to stay for longer?” he asked, cautiously, as if she’d burst into tears again. Which wasn’t too far from the truth, but Sakura waved him on, and he frowned at her concernedly.
“Take the rest of today and tomorrow off, but the day after, meet me back here at noon, sharp. Unfortunately, we have no time to waste, we have to start training for the third match. Do you know who your opponent is yet?”
Sakura shook her head. She hadn’t stopped to check the announcements board on her way back from the hospital. Kakashi-sensei frowned at her.
“Well, don’t worry about it for now, I’ll let you know at our next meeting if you haven’t found out by then. Also, if you need to talk to anybody else about this, tell me and I can get you a meeting with a Yamanaka, okay?”
Sakura nodded in assent, and with one last glance back at her, Kakashi-sensei disappeared in a whirl of leaves.
She stared at the spot where he’d disappeared from, still turning over what he’d said in his mind. 3,000 civilians to every one shinobi. Interesting. It was true, while shinobi were hired often for assassinations or other political schemes involving civilians, over time, the majority of the traditional armies of old had been replaced with hidden villages, most of which engaged exclusively against each other rather than against the capital cities of the Daimyos.
Sakura was a killer. All shinobi were killers, there was no way around that. There was nothing moral about it, and yet, it was somehow the less bloody path, because the reality was that the world they lived in required blood. Sasuke and Naruto… their dreams, the ones that propelled them forwards, they were intertwined in this way of life in a way that was inseparable from the people that they were, and Sakura had chosen to stand by their sides. She could have resigned, could have left after Wave, could have denied the chunin exams, could have forfeited at any time, and yet, for some insane reason, she stayed.
They had both chosen their paths forwards, but so had Sakura. Who was she to blame them for her own choices?
Wave had taught her that she could be killed. The Forest of Death taught her that for her dream, she could and would kill.
She had made her decision, and now it was time to live with it. The only way forwards was up, and Sakura was going to see through to her goal if it killed her. No matter where her teammates ended up, she was going to be standing there beside them. That was her nindo.
